DreamSearcher's Journal

Ok...Here it is. This is the place that I'm going to write down whatever comes to mind, and whatever other varied and often odd thought's that cross my mind. Enjoy :o)

8/11/2000

Well, this is the start of my journal. I've never been good at keeping one though, so I'm really interested to see how it turns out. I've just got so much stuff going on in my life now, though, that I'm not sure I'll be able to keep up with it. I'll try though, although I may not write in it everyday.

Anyway, here's some of the stuff that's going on. School's starting in a little over a week (the 21st to be precise) and I'm extremely worried. I'm worried that I don't know anyone, I'm worried that things will be so much more different from what I'm used to, and most of all I'm afraid of being alone. All of my life I've lived in the same small town where everyone knew everyone else, and I grew up surrounded by people I knew. Even when my parents divorced when I was 8 and I went to school in what was the the "big city" I knew a few people. Then again, that was probably one of the most emotionally up and down times of my life, so I probably shouldn't be comparing this to then. I'm actually living in the biggest city I've ever been in, with no preparation whatsoever as to finding my way around or meeting people or whatever. I know no one here at ALL (with maybe the exception of one of my sister's friends) and I've never been what's considered a "people person," so I honestly don't know how I'm ever going to get to know anyone. Hopefully though, the city will change me enough so that I won't be so afraid of talking to people. Take today, for example. I went to Wal-Mart to try and find a couple of things for my bike (a rack and some innertubes). I got done there, and went over to Wendy's to have some lunch. I got my food and went to sit down, and this girl kept looking at me. I got this vibe that she was interested in me, but for the life of me I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. That is, I guess kind of like something that happened at the Orientation I went to for UNM. The first two days a girl named Kasey and I were kind of throwing vibes back and forth to each other, but on the third day we had breakfast together (I was sitting all by my little lonesome, and she asked me if she could join me, so, being the gentleman that I am, said "yes"), but I ended up just making an ass of myself. For the life of me I couldn't hold a decent conversation with her. I guess it's a result of my being so afraid of people. Not physically, of course. I'm big enough to deter any would-be attackers. No, my problem is that I'm afraid of being emotionally hurt by people. It seems that everyone I've ever come to care about has betrayed me in one way or another. My parents, my siblings, all the girlfriends I've ever had, even myself. I've never really trusted anyone enough to call them "friend," so I guess they haven't disappointed me.

Another thing I'm a bit worried about is getting to know this place. I've kind of started getting to know the streets by now, by getting on the bus every day and just cruising around, but this place is HUGE and I'm wondering if I'll ever get to know them all.

Well, I guess that's all for now.

1/14/2001

Wow...more than 5 months later, I finally get the encouragement I need to keep writing my thoughts down here. So much for Fortunecity's "submit your site to X amount of search engines." Either that or I really am boring, and my website is much more so :o) Anyway, you all can blame Lauren for bugging me enough to write this (even though she DID only buy a cherry seven-up).

I just thought I'd write this to let you all know that I'm still alive-and-kicking. Don't really have much more time to write right now, but I'll try later on this week (more than likely this weekend).

2/5/2001

A lot of stuff has been going on lately, and I just realized "what the hell am I doing with my life?" About to flunk out of college, no social life whatsoever, and stuck in a dead-end job (probably never even goin to make manager, even though I've already PROVEN that I'm more qualified for the position than any of my current managers). I don't know of it was the weekend-long migraine or what, but I realize that I need to do SOMETHING!!! I'm sick of being alone, and I'm sick of being miserable. It's time to (literally) shape up and move out. I've already hopefully started on that road by apologizing to someone who I think deserves it, and from here on out things are going to be different. Wish me luck everyone.